Living it out is another story
You have heard me say, "I'm Done with Pretty!" I can't do this healing thing half-way. I am willing to undergo God's surgical procedures on my heart to be fully HIS. Surrender. All the way! No more talk. No more outward presentations. INWARD, DEEP, and SOUL SURRENDERING!
No matter what it takes, right???
I mean, I've prayed it over and over. Your will, Jesus, not mine! May I suffer for your Kingdom's cause.
But what does healing really look like? How can I ever say I am there? And how long will it take? Cause just when I think I am done and claiming victory, I feel yet another blow. Then I have to make a choice. What will I choose?
I don't always choose "not my will but yours be done." I don't always jump to a quick "thank you Jesus for this hurt and pain." As easy as it is to say and pray in the good times, I am not choosing joy in the midst of all my circumstances when they aren't as pretty.
At first, emotions take hold...sadness, anger, shame, or fear. Rather consciously choosing or just natural feel to the blow, I wallow in my emotion for a few min...hours...maybe even days. BUT then, in the MIRACULOUS (as He has proven to be), He brings me back and I shout, HALLELUJAH! Why? Because he has proven FAITHFUL, SOVEREIGN, JUST, and HE IS MY HEALER! May He do what He needs to do to reconstruct my being!
On this road of full healing, redemption, and restoration, I know that I can't call the shots. I know that I don't deserve to be understood and sympathized for. And at times when I wish others could see my heart and just see what Jesus sees, I am brought face to face again with choices I've made. I have brought reason to be misunderstood. This is my doing. I asked for it. But, I also won't let my past and others opinions define who I am and hinder the work the Father has done in me. I simply need to remember that the choices I've made and the sin I have committed have consequences (some ongoing) regardless of the forgiveness I have recieved. It keeps me humble. I need that as I walk in victory.
Here is another great song that I pray for the ones that are feeling the effects of my sin. May I never forget the pain they feel...the pain I've caused. As much as I feel some of the blows, the pain, the hurt, I will never fully grasp the pain they feel. Jesus, may your love be a rock when we are spinning!!!
My Brightness - Charlie Hall
(video below. email subscribers check out the blog to see)
I've been hit from every corner,
I've been thrown from side to side,
I'm cracked up on the inside, so I come to you for life,
Your presence always heals me, so I want to drink it in,
you know where we're going God,
You know where I've been.
Your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning
your love is like a rock
When I'm spinning
Your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning around.
Yesterday I felt so angry
Today so insecure
I hate it that I wrestle
the God that I adore
Your presence always heals me
so I want to drink it in
You know where we're going God
You know where I've been.
And Your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning
your love is like a rock
When I'm spinning
Your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning...
And I know less about you
my heart loves you so much more
your my pride in sadness
your my brightness.
I wish this thing could pass from me
but I'm wanting what you want
so bring me high or bring me low
just hold me in your love
And Your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning
your love is like a rock
When I'm spinning
Your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning
your love is like a rock
when I'm spinning around.
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